Believe this-God loves you…:)

During my early university days, I didn’t fully understand spiritual things. In fact, I barely understood them at all. I was born into what I can term as a Christian family. So, from as long as I can remember, in my family, Sunday was a day dedicated to church going. Even in all my changes in location and guardians, Sunday remained a day we would go to church. And for the first time in my life, I was away from home and had to make my own personal choice of whether or not to continue honoring Sunday as a day for church going.

I knew God existed, I knew about Him but I am not entirely sure I knew Him. (There is a difference.) At the back of my mind, I didn’t know if I could really trust Him. There are many tragic things that had happened in my life that made it difficult to fully accept the existence of a loving being that saw everything, knew everything before it happened, was powerful enough to stop it but still allowed it to happen the way it did. There was a significant contradiction between what He was described as and the realities I found myself in in my life.

Sure, I prayed some times. Sure, I went to church most times. Sure, I fasted occasionally. Regardless, I genuinely struggled to relate with Him fully, especially as a loving father. I had grew up without a constant father figure, so I had no idea what a father was supposed to be like, a loving one at that. Despite having significant pointers to the goodness of God in my own life, I had many unanswered questions that created a bit of a gap in my beliefs.

I had also spent the majority of my life tip-toeing around my guardians thinking that if only I did everything right, if only I asked for very little, and acted non-existent to avoid having them notice I was present in their lives, then they wouldn’t come to the realization that I was actually an inconvenience. Only then could I survive through life just fine, I thought. None of them had asked me nor pushed me to think this way, but I just thought that way anyway.

Sadly, I adopted this mindset with God too. I thought He was perpetually displeased with my existence, that He didn’t like me that much & was waiting for me to make a mistake so He could punish me for it since He was said to really hate sin and all. All this stripped me of any confidence to fervently pursue Him. I rather chose to just try and avoid being cast into hell by at least attending church services.

Despite my warped beliefs, the truth is me ending up in university was a strong case of God’s intervention. Generally speaking, university fees are pretty steep for the average family. My aunt had educated me to the point of finishing high school, which could have been deemed as enough, yet she chose to take it a notch higher and take me to university. This would require a lot of sacrifice and foregoing some of the lifestyle pleasures she was entitled to have in her own life with her own money.

As if that’s not enough sacrifice, at the point I decided on going back to Zimbabwe to pursue a degree in Development Studies, she had just lost her job! Her work contract had just ended & she had just received the news that her employer had decided not to renew it. All she really had was hope that she could get another job. There was no guarantee for both of us that there would be fees for the next semester and the next one, but just faith that she would get another job. I watched her with tears in her eyes, give me her last money to go and register for my first semester in university. I am not sure a love like that is possible without the inspiration of God.

Because I had never traveled alone before, we had to find a way to securely make sure this money was not stolen. This was the infamous South Africa, after all. I remember how we had to create an opening in the waistline of my high-waisted pair of jeans that I was going to wear for the journey and insert it there. It was the exact amount of money needed for the first semester so all of it had to reach its destination without fail. There was no room to lose any of it during the 3-day bus trip back to Zim because there was nowhere else to get the rest if that was to happen.

It is also important to note that in my family, at that point, no one had acquired a university degree, meaning I would be the first one to do so. The highest level of education anyone had attained was a diploma, which was by my aunt, the one who was putting her last salary into my jeans’ waistline to ensure I get a degree myself. This was bigger than just being educated, it was breaking a generational limit that had existed long before my birth. I was not even the most intelligent person in my family, or the most anything at all, it had absolutely nothing to do with me except God’s mercy.

Jeremiah 31: 3 (AMPC)The Lord appeared from of old to me [Israel], saying, Yes, I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore with loving-kindness have I drawn you and continued My faithfulness to you.

God is loving, merciful and kind. He is a loving Father, with depths of love for us that even the best earthly father is incapable of exhibiting. Just like it was hard for me to understand then, I know it is hard for most to understand now. Many people generally equate horribly bad things to God as their source. There are questions of if God is real and loving, how can an entire family die in a car crash, how can an earthquake destroy a city, how can floods kill thousands of people & leave the rest homeless, how come there are poor people who are victims to powerful people, how come evil people seemingly get away with evil and some seemingly good people suffer a lot of loss, how can a man stomp into a kindergarten and shoot innocent children, how can my life be such a mess despite my best efforts to turn it otherwise, how can, how can, how can…

We have even coined the phrase ”acts of God” to refer to any natural disaster or calamity because we think that deep down God is this giant distant and irresponsible deity who is sovereign enough to just bulldoze His way into every situation, even those He is not invited to intervene in and is only capable of harming us than he is of saving us.

This is not true and is inconsistent with the character of God described in His word and exhibited through the life of Jesus. When God created the earth, He handed over rulership and dominion of the affairs of the earth to Adam (who represented all humanity) *We see this in Genesis 1:28*. Adam in his disobedience handed over this authority to the devil, who camouflaged himself as a serpent and instead of Adam, the devil began to impose his authority on the earth that originally was meant to be Adam’s authority.

Ultimately, Jesus came as a man to restore that which Adam had lost to the devil and give it back to man. This is why His death on the cross was more than His crucifiers could see. It was a significant exchange of authority back to its rightful owners, man. You can tell even by the life of Jesus while He was still on earth that the heart of God is compassionate and kind, this is why He healed all manner of disease, this is why He fed 5000 people from almost nothing, this is why he raised the dead, & forgave the most notorious tax-collector, the woman caught in the act and other people whose sin had opened them up to severe sickness. God is love.

You and I have more say in what happens in the earth, and more specifically in our lives, than we like to admit. This is why it is possible for someone to erect an altar of witchcraft in their family for personal gain that goes ahead and messes with the destinies of generations to come, even killing family members in the process. This is why it is possible for a politician to be so wicked that a whole nation comes to its knees under the burden of his wicked policies and rule. This is why also it is possible for you to pray and change the trajectory of your own life and that of your family.

God is sovereign yes, but He often waits on man to give Him permission to intervene in earthly affairs through prayer, for instance. If He just starts doing stuff in the earth willy-nilly, that in a way, violates the order He established of having man rule and reign in the earth. Yes, He can do it, I mean He is still the Almighty God, nothing is beyond His abilities but that’s not how He primarily chooses to interact with the earth. The same can be said of the devil, there are men who permit him to operate in territories, families, individual lives at various capacities. There are people who choose to serve him and his wicked agendas who also invite him to act in certain ways which is why we see certain calamities that we cannot explain.

John 10: 10 (AMPC) summarises this mystery well…“The thief comes only in order to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have and enjoy life, and have it in abundance (to the full, till it overflows).’”

God is pro-life, pro-you, the devil is pro-death and anti-you. This is just a very compressed way of trying to explain that God is not to blame for how terrible our circumstances may seem. He doesn’t have it in Him to actively pursue for the purpose of harming his own creation, you, unless of course, you outright declare yourself, by word and deed, an enemy of God. Even then, God’s mercy usually offers you a chance to repent and turn back from your wicked ways. The devil, however, stops at nothing to kill, steal and destroy everything and anything in the earth. He is usually the culprit to blame, the story of Job proves that to us.

Anyway, back to my story…

…Part of me felt loved by God and part of me felt rejected. Part of me wanted to draw close to Him, part of me wanted to go as far away from Him as possible. Still, I showed up for church services on campus. I remember vividly this one all night prayer I attended and the preacher, who was also a student, explained the Holy Spirit very beautifully to me. That He was like a close friend, one that you could rely on, one that could comfort you, teach you all things, guide you in all truth, point you to Jesus and help you know and understand Jesus, the word of God, and God. One that could intercede on your behalf, that could help you make God-aligned decisions. He sounded so beautiful and I genuinely wished I could have such a companion.

John 14: 16-18 16 And I will ask the Father, and He will give you another Comforter (Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby), that He may remain with you forever—17 The Spirit of Truth, Whom the world cannot receive (welcome, take to its heart), because it does not see Him or know and recognize Him. But you know and recognize Him, for He lives with you [constantly] and will be in you. 18 I will not leave you as orphans [comfortless, desolate, bereaved, forlorn, helpless]; I will come [back] to you.

Once the preacher was done with his sermon, he called to the front anyone who wanted to be filled with this beautiful Holy Spirit that could significantly enhance one’s life. Of course, I sped there as quickly as I could get there. I arrived in front, closed my eyes and raised my hands with much anticipation. This was going to be my best gift of all!!! I was super-excited to receive Him as a matter of emergency.

However, the next phrase the preacher said when he began to pray for me caught me off-guard. He said to me, “I want to pray for you to begin to speak in tongues”.

…Wait, what? NO! I don’t want to speak in any tongues, okay? I just want the Holy Spirit. No one mentioned anything about tongues. What is this betrayal and trickery now. What has tongues got to do with what I came here for? I most certainly DO NOT WANT to speak in jibberish right now! Can we just focus on why I came here please, and stop being weird?

While all this shock and bewilderment was happening in my head, the sincere guy was praying, proclaiming and declaring to me; “Speak in tongues now, open your mouth, begin to speak in tongues, don’t overthink what you will say, just allow the Holy Spirit to flow through you“.

Sir!!!, which Holy Spirit again must flow through me? The one I did not have just minutes ago and came here to get? What is all this? Oh, I have never resisted anything that much before in my life! I was even clenching my jaw to ensure that I, by no means, start speaking in tongues! Oh, the drama!

After much insisting and declaring and shouting, it was eventually decided that I would come tomorrow to church to receive the tongues and that the leaders would definitely pray for me and that I would definitely receive the tongues. This was a Saturday night, by the way, meaning tomorrow would be church day. I kid you not, I did not set foot anywhere near that church for two weeks lest I begin to speak in tongues.

God talks about His people being destroyed for lack of knowledge (Hosea 4:9), this was definitely me at this point. I lacked enough knowledge to see the relationship between speaking in tongues and being filled with the Holy Spirit so much so that I wholeheartedly resisted the one and yearned for the other, yet these two were just one thing. The speaking in tongues would just have been the evidence, at that point, that I had been filled with the Holy Spirit, as I desired. #Sigh

Knowing what I know now about the Holy Spirit, I can say with absolute confidence that every believer needs to be filled with the Holy Spirit. He is the difference between struggling with much zeal for God and being empowered to effectively relate with God. I pray that if you haven’t received Him yet, that one day soon you would.

I needed the Holy Spirit very urgently but I just didn’t know it. It is a lie that ignorance is bliss. Ignorance is death. If you had a chance to know if the car you are about to get into would be involved in a deadly accident that would leave you either dead or paralyzed, would not knowing and not being able to avoid the situation really be bliss? Of course not!

As I conclude, I want to end by saying you need to know God personally and pursue Him ever so fervently now. All the excuses and excitements that keep you from doing that are fleeting. One day they will not matter anymore but a relationship with God will always matter for eternity. Knowing God is a journey, you don’t just suddenly wake up knowing much about Him, you journey with Him and get closer to Him and know more of Him, the more you draw near to Him. I am no longer this clueless little girl who runs away when tongues are mentioned. I am no longer confused as to where I stand with God. I know now that nothing can separate me from His love. (Romans 8:31-39). I know now that God is not to blame for all the things I don’t like about my life, which are significantly fewer now than they were then. & I genuinely pray that you also get to experience the same or even better liberation & transformation from your relationship with God than I did.

Let’s Pray:

Our loving father, we come before you today. We know that some of the things we have experienced in our lives are beyond our ability to accept, comprehend or explain. We know that it is easier for us to blame you than to not have an answer or someone to blame. Forgive us for accusing you of things that you are not responsible for. We pray that you show us mercy and draw us close to your loving hands. We pray that your grace would open our eyes to see the goodness of your heart towards us. The good plans you have concerning our lives and the determination you have to see us prosper, and be in good health just as our souls prosper. Take away ignorance from our midst and give us wisdom instead. Heal our wounds, broken hearts, disappointments and many other such things that seek to draw us away from you. Your love is everlasting, we choose to embrace and bask in it. Thank you for defeating our enemy on the cross, we choose today to continue walking in that victory. We choose to see the real enemy of our souls and not mistake his wicked ways to be your ways. Fill us with your Holy Spirit that can help us discern and navigate life with much wisdom, power, light, victory and inexplicable peace. In Jesus’s mighty name we pray. Amen!

Shalom 🙂